 Top Habits of Happy Muslim Couples
Marriage is an institution founded on intentionality and an innate desire to spend your entire life with a partner. A lot of people will also tell you that it requires the most dedication and sacrifices. Yet, there is no denying that everyone knows a happy Muslim couple or two. Those couples whose marital life is so blissful that their happiness in marriage is visible to everyone around. In this article, we explore the top Habits of Happy Muslim Couples so that we can all draw some inspiration from them. The couples that will be used as reference will be from the best of the Muslim Ummah, the Prophet SAW and his wives; as well as the companions around him. These habits include light hearted ones that can be immediately incorporated into our lives as Muslim couples. There are also more insightful ones that require a change in perspective and may take loads of practice as well as a heightened level of spirituality to pull off. They are as follows: 1. They have 'dates'. They literally share sweet food like dates together. Food is not only eaten for sustenance, but for enjoyment as well. It is therefore no wonder that a lot of couples would rather have dates centered around food. This can be popcorn and slush at the movies, or a picnic in the fields, or even sharing cups of tea or coffee. Some couples also enjoy cooking together, even if one of them does nothing but engage in banter with their partners as they watch them cook. Even though cooking is mostly culturally relegated to the women, the Prophet SAW on countless times helped his wives with their chores. It takes the focus away from the strain of hardwork and makes it enjoyable as you are with your beloved. Speaking of activities, the Prophet SAW would separate himself from his companions and engage in horse races with Aisha RA. Engaging in activities that thrill each other would always lead to an increase in endorphins – happy hormones. So every Muslim couple should definitely seek exciting ventures that they can enjoy with their spouses. Also, just like the Prophet SAW, it doesn't always have to be within the home. Whether they are long vacations, short stays, or a few hours outside your usual environment, enjoy each other's company with no distractions. Your spouses will be happier and so will you Insha Allah. 2. They enjoy intimacy. Muslims are forbidden from having sexual relations outside marriage. This is one of the reasons why Islam strongly recommends marriage for all who can. It is therefore disagreeable that spouses cannot fully attain pleasure with themselves even though they are lawful upon each other. The inability to enjoy or engage in sex should not be deemed normal on the sides of either the female or male. Reasons for this could be unavoidable scenarios like medical conditions that are debilitating or that make sexual relations uncomfortable. It could also be a lackadaisical attitude on the part of one or both spouses towards improving their sexual health and compatibility. Regardless, every couple should actively seek means to improve their intimacy, even if it means seeking professional help. Not only will this make the spouses happy, it will increase the affection between them and strengthen the marital bond that they share. Something else to note is that intimacy does not have to involve having sexual relations with your spouse. The Prophet SAW used to share a bath with Aisha RA. Many times when Aisha RA would be on her period, she and the Prophet SAW would still cuddle and pet each other. It never stopped them from occupying the same bed even though they both were aware that there could be no sexual relations between them at that time. So, exchange flirty kisses from time to time as the day progresses. Also have hugs, short and long. Use the sensation of touch to your advantage and make your partner feel desired, wanted, and appreciated. All of this will only boost happiness within your home. 3. When one blows hot… The other blows cold. It is a myth that happy Muslim couples do not fight, have fallouts or disagreements. It is only expected that where two people share such an intimate bond as marriage, there is friction here and there. Usually, it is never anticipated. However, while conflict can never really be avoided, it can be properly managed to ensure that it does not steal the happiness within the home. When having disagreements, couples need to understand that it is more important for peace to reign than for both of you to be right. Also, when one of the couples is having a hard time controlling their anger, the other person must take it upon themselves to control theirs. Islam tells us that the strongest of Muslims is the one who is able to back away in times of anger. If one person chooses to remain calm, the other person will eventually follow suit. It does not mean that they get to have the last say, it means that you can try having a proper conversation with them when they are calmer. They will most definitely listen while you make your point because you allowed them first. You can then proceed to voice your disappointment in how they handled themselves and seek better means to ensure more amiable discussions later on. If you are more prone to blowing hot, you might have to take anger management classes and enroll in therapy with your spouse to learn how to better communicate with each other. Excellent communication does wonders in attaining happiness in marriage. 4. They cater to each other. Oftentimes, Aisha RA would groom the Prophet SAW's hair by combing, oiling, and perfuming it. She used to help him in ensuring that he looked his best and was able to lovingly assist him in grooming. There have also been recounts of how the Prophet SAW would extend his hands for Aisha RA to step on to enable her mount her ride easily. He (SAW) would then lift her atop it himself. Chivalry is not a foreign concept to Muslims and should be practiced by every Muslim couple. There is something beautiful about helping your spouse in mundane actions that they can easily do by themselves. It goes beyond the act itself. It is the thought behind it. The love that propels it. The thoughtfulness that it involves. It says to your spouse 'I want to serve and honor you, even in the littlest of things.' Nothing would make them happier. 5. They have good counsel. When the Prophet Muhammad SAW came running to Khadijat RA, shivering, she comforted him and ran to her cousin, Waraqah, who counseled her wisely. When Fatimah az-Zahra, the beloved daughter of the prophet SAW approached her father for help regarding her household chores, he gave her sound advice. Both these women were beloved to the people they approached. Both of them were facing difficulties, albeit in peculiar ways. All marriages will have instances like this. Countless men also approached the Messenger of Allah SAW for counsel as regards their marriages. Sometimes, it is not to complain, but like our mothers, to seek help in understanding and better managing our homes. In approaching them however, we have to be careful. Surrounding ourselves with loving and spiritually grounded people means that when we do seek their advice, they are able to give it to us from a place of genuine love and responsibility, yet also from a place of truth because of their spiritual inclinations. This is what every Muslim couple needs. People who want their happiness even more than they – the couple – want it. 6. They strive together towards Jannah. During the time of the boycott, Khadijat RA opened up her stores and gave her supplies to the cause of the Muslims. While Prophet Muhammad SAW served Allah by proclaiming Islam the true religion, she helped to sustain the Muslims with her wealth until she died. Even when Abdullah RA and Fatimah az-Zahra were struggling financially, they would both give all that they had to charity. Even as they built beautiful lives for themselves on earth, they strove towards Jannah together by sacrificing their properties and wealth. There is no greater happiness than knowing that your intimacy is spiritual, and your love for Allah is mutual. When you pray for Jannah, it is beseeching Allah to make you lovers there as well. 7. They are loyal to each other. When the Prophet SAW had to go to cave Hira for 40 days, leaving behind Khadijat RA and his family, people made fun of her. They taunted her and spread tales of how she had been ripped off her wealth and abandoned by her husband. When the Prophet faced brutal scrutiny for speaking about Islam, and his enemies decided to punish his daughters for his actions, Zainab RA's husband stood his ground. He refused to divorce his wife at the expense of losing the ties to his clan. He stood by her even when he was not in support of Islam at the time. The most happy couples recorded in our Seerahs faced the toughest of adversaries. Their circumstances often led to temporary separations. Their union was threatened by war and family. Yet, they stood by each other every time, choosing to believe in their spouses and trust in the marriage that they had built together. All of these couples were rewarded with beautiful moments that made them more beloved to each other; such that while they were alive they were the happiest, and when one died leaving the other; their hearts yearned in sadness for the happiness that they once shared. Conclusion Happiness in this world is fleeting, but with the habits cited above, you can enjoy as much happiness as possible with beautiful moments that make up meaningful lives spent with your spouses. May yours be happy marriages. May yours be blessed unions, bringing you joy and happiness that last till Jannah. Ameen. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan.
1 Comment
 It is 2021 and Muslims are finding it particularly difficult to get partners to settle down with. Most people end up getting married later than they envisaged. Some are still not married, and a lot of those who have had to go through hoops to do so.
If marriage is one of the most beautiful traditions performed by Muslims, why has it become such a nightmare to actually get married? This article focuses on some of the reasons why 21st century Muslims find the whole process tedious and how we can work towards ensuring that we don't fall victim to this. The 5 points highlighted below are steeped in intentionality and an openness to revamping certain mindsets you might carry. They however hold rich benefits and are necessary to aiding your steps towards marriage In Shaa Allah. 1. The Cinderella narrative is not the Muslim's narrative. Muslims have Seerahs and beautiful stories of how the companions of the Prophet SAW lived their lives. The west has fairytale stories of princesses and princes, damsels in distress and knights in shining armor. The problem is that people forget that whether originally from the west or westernized, Islam is a culture on its own, and our way of life as Muslims should ideally stem from the Quran, Sunnah and narrations of how the companions lived their lives. Islam is an all encompassing religion with enduring practices meant to guide us through all of life's ventures. Including marriage. The Halal way of seeking spouses is plenty, but it does not include dancing with a non-mahram till 12:00 midnight or letting your hair down through the window for a knight to climb on and steal kisses while your stepmother sleeps. While it is their way, it is not ours. So if the lens through which you seek a spouse has been tainted by the western infused mindset of courtship, you are going about it the wrong way. There are varying means of seeking a spouse, and these include referrals, proposals, halal matchmaking services, and so many more. You do not have to be a damsel in distress to desire companionship, or to crave the warmth that comes with family. It is not desperate or demeaning, it is a part of our fitrah, and it is only right that we fulfill that. First, accept and admit the fact that you do want to get married. Make your intentions known to those around you. Khadija RA was a pioneer of her time. She owned a lot in terms of wealth, beauty and prestige. Yet, she was not hesitant to mention that she desired a spouse. She just needed to ensure that she was marrying the right person for her. Since she was honest about her wishes, Maysara was quick to inform her when she found someone that seemed to meet her specifications. Centuries down the line, their beautiful marriage still seems unattainable to even the most devoted of spouses. 2. Know yourself to avoid kissing a thousand frogs. While dating is frowned upon in Islam, a lot of Muslims still engage in courting multiple men before they finally settle down. Mainstream media says it is normal to kiss a few frogs, maybe more than a few, before finally landing your prince. First of all, in Islam, the only man that you are kissing is your husband, not your fiancé or boyfriend. Secondly, unless you truly take out time and start contemplating as early as possible who you are and what you want out of this life, you will end up with a lot of heart breaking entanglements than is healthy. Knowing who you are helps you be firmly rooted in identity and self awareness. It also helps with self acceptance as a Muslim, and as a person. That way, even when people approach you for marriage, you know who to entertain and who to kindly dismiss. This saves you a lot of heartache and stress. Also, as opposed to the western narrative, the only people you will be considering are princes and princesses. The frogs will not even get a chance to be evaluated. You just have to discover your prince or princess among those that you speak with. Umm Salama RA had proposals from companions of the Prophet SAW, but she refused them all. This wasn't out of pride, but out of self preservation. She then proceeded to marry the Prophet SAW himself after he proposed marriage. 3. Love me as I am, or leave me be. This is a very well thought out mindset to have. It's also a very misinterpreted and romanticized one by everyone. A lot of us would rather change partners than change who we are. The truth is that nobody today wants to improve themselves. We will work for an upgrade in every other part of our lives but will refuse to put in the personal work required to better ourselves. Even when we barely know what marriage means to us, the rights our partners have over us and our obligations towards others in our marriage; everyone seems to know that they want submissive wives and providing husbands. While it is important to know what you want in a spouse, it is important that you ask yourself from time to time, "am I the kind of person that the kind of person I want wants?" Simply put, whoever the man or woman you have described in your head is; ask yourself, if I were this person, would I want to marry me too? Good things come to those who wait, better things belong to those who are willing to honestly strive for it. One of the companions of the Prophet SAW was proposed to by a man who greatly cherished her, but she told him, you are a kafir, and so you are unlawful to me. She then went on to demand that should he desire her hand in marriage, he would have to accept Islam. He did, and his acceptance was her mahr. You want a woman who is a homemaker. A woman who would give all of her time to raising your children and ensuring that the house is filled with warmth and love. Have you thought about the fact that such a woman would require a man that can provide wholly for the family? A man who can afford her and her children the necessities of life. Have you then asked yourself if you are that kind of man? If the state of your finances can afford you to keep that kind of home? Because that is the kind of man the kind of woman you seek is seeking. So while it is absurd to change the core of who you are simply to please someone, kindly note that you might have to improve in certain areas or intensify your efforts towards certain endeavors so as to be the kind of spouse that the spouse that you seek needs. 4. It is always too early until it is too late. Early marriage is considered admirable in Islam and is highly encouraged. The mindset that you have all the time in the world is one that the west idolizes. This stems from a lot of reasons that counter Islamic practices, zina is one of them. It is already widely practiced in the west, so marriage is not something that they have to fulfill to seek intimacy of any sort. Marriage is also not considered as an essential act in the west. Muslims on the other hand are guided by spiritual inclinations, and religious practices. We are different people. If you try to understand Islam through the lens of the west, your view will continually be blurred. You have to take those lens off, and see through the eyes of the Muslim that you are. The earlier you come to the acceptance of marriage as an essential part of your life, the earlier you start to prepare for it. There is a stark difference between "I am not ready," and "I have not found the right spouse for me." Both are equally important in your growth as a Muslim looking to get married. Even when you are not in the second phase, be in the first. It is in knowing that you are not ready that you prepare yourself accordingly. It is in accepting that you are ready that you understand that we can never fully be prepared, but with the right spouse, by Allah's grace, all obstacles can be overcome. Even when you are not sure of how it's going to happen, or when it's going to be; you have to be sure of your why and who. What marriage means to you, why you seek marriage, and who you have to be with to have the kind of marriage that you desire. Work on what you have control over and watch Allah SWT align it all with the things that do not make sense at the moment. It is never too early to start the process of self discovery. Once you cross the threshold of being completely dependent on your parents for survival into being an independent person; It is never too early to start working on the kind of man or woman you want to be to your family. 5. You speak to everyone but Allah In Surah Al-Ghafir, verse 60, Allah SWt says, "Call on me and I will answer." Even when we are now open about our desire to have a spouse, a lot of us refuse to take it where it matters the most. We refuse to ask Allah for all that we need in our spouses. And even when we do, we do not ask Him enough. It doesn't have to be a crippling need that brings us to our need. Once our heart starts throbbing, and our souls start itching for companionship, for the desire to proceed through life as a part of a whole, we should take our wishes to Allah and ask that He fulfills them. And He will in His wisdom, grace and benevolence, grant our requests. May Allah SWT grant us goodness and ease all of our affairs. May He SWT grant all of those who seek spouses beautiful soulmates that may be coolness to theirs. Ameen. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan.  Marriage in Islam
As the world evolves, there is a continual upsurge in views and opinions as regards a lot of common practices deemed 'normal' or 'expected' in our society. Marriage is one of the aspects that continues to face that scrutiny today. In today's world, the majority seek to dispel long standing practices seemingly imposed on us by culture, tradition, stereotypes, and even religion in some cases. We seek to break down the concept of marriage in Islam and showcase what it really means to Muslims. Hopefully, it serves as a reminder to those who already know, and as an eye opener to those who wish to know more. We start with the most defining part of it – the Nikah. What it is? The Nikah is a socio-legal contractual act that deems a woman and man lawful upon each other as husband and wife according to the Shari'a (Islamic Law). What does it entail? It literally entails signing a marriage contract, as indicated in the definition above. For the ceremony to be valid in Islam, there are certain factors that has to be put in place. That will be emphasized more in subsequent articles. Basically, there has to be consent from both parties getting married, the parents have to be aware, two adult Muslim witnesses on both sides must be present, the bride must have a mahram (guardian) present to give her away, and the groom must have a mahr for the bride. The mahr is a gift from the groom to the bride, stipulated according to her wishes. It should be something tangible, that can be a source of support financially to the bride. There are varying in-depth discussions surrounding the mahr. Once these are put in place, the Nikah can proceed with an Imam coordinating the proceedings. The Nikkah does not have to take place in a mosque, it could also be held at an event center or in the living room. While some people would rather opt for the mosque, it is not a must that the Nikah is held there. A marriage license is usually signed before or during the Nikah, to fully satisfy the conditions of marriage according to the law of whatever state the Nikah is held. There is the actual Nikah contract also issued by the Shari'a court. This is usually signed after the Imam has given a solemn sermon. This sermon is usually aimed at the couple getting married as well as the audience. It may or may not revolve around marriage itself. Like the Friday Sermon, it serves as a general reminder to do good and shun all condemned acts. The witnesses are also asked to sign the document to prove that they were present for the ceremony. The Walimah (reception or banquet) can then be held afterwards. Why Marriage? Allah (SWT) says in Qur'an 24:32 'And marry those who among you are single, and also marry the Saalihoon – the pious, capable and fit…' The Prophet (SAW) also mentioned that there is no institution more beloved to Allah than the institution of marriage. He (PBUH) also mentioned that marriage is a part of his tradition, and whosoever turns away from his tradition, is not of his nation. Marriage is an integral part of society that is recommended for Muslims by Allah (SWT), His Prophet (SAW) and the consensus of Muslim scholars – the ijma'. As with all of Allah's commandments, marriage is considered one of Allah's mercies towards mankind. The benefits are endless, and are emphasized all through the Quran, narrations of the Hadith, and scholarly articles by learned jurists in Islam. Those benefits include: 1. Comfort Allah intends marriage to be a union where both spouses can be comforted when in distress. Life as a believer is filled with tests and trials, but with the right spouse on our sides, even the toughest times are bearable. This is seen in Quran 30:21, where Allah SWT says, "And one of His signs is that He has created for you, spouses from amongst yourselves so that you might take comfort in them and He has placed between you, love and mercy. In this there is surely evidence (of the truth) for the people who carefully think." This verse is exemplified in the beautiful life that the Prophet Muhammad SAW was able to live when Khadija (RA) was alive. Their love was constant and strong, and far outlived her death. Their marriage was so comforting that the Prophet Muhammad SAW once told Aisha (RA), “She believed in me when no one else did, she embraced Islam when people disbelieved me; and she helped and comforted me when there was no one to lend me a helping hand.” There is no description of a spouse by another more beautiful than this, and no better example to show just how comforting marriage can be. May Allah grant us the best of spouses. 2. Chastity Chastity has always been and continues to be a struggle for Muslims around the world. The world around has only gotten worse in spreading fitnah that makes it easy to fall prey to Zina. Now more than ever, marriage is even more advisable for those who can, to prevent falling into sin. In Qur'an 4:24, Allah SWT says, "... and besides these, it is lawful for you to marry other women if you pay them their dowry, maintain chastity and do not commit indecency. So those (women) whom you marry for an appointed time, you must give them their agreed upon dowries. There is no harm if you reach an understanding among yourselves about the dowry, Allah (SWT) is All-Knowing and All-Wise." While marriage will not heal a diseased heart that is keen on Zina, it will help believers who are truly striving for Allah's pleasure to adequately satisfy their desires within halal measures set by Allah. 3. Wealth A lot of Muslims are of the misconception that remaining unmarried while they work hard will help them accumulate their wealth. They believe that the demands of marriage and the responsibilities attached to it will drain their purse. What we must always remember is that Allah SWT is the custodian of all Rizq, and our wealth is already ascribed to us by Him SWT. In Qur'an 24:32, He SWT instructs, "Marry the single people from among you and the righteous slaves and slave-girls. If you are poor, Allah (SWT) will make you rich through His favor; and Allah (SWT) is Bountiful, All-Knowing." Following His injunctions will only earn us his pleasure and mercy, and whosoever Allah loves, none can detest and whosoever He blesses, none can hinder. So marry when you have the funds to and look to Him for your wealth and ease as you work towards attaining success. 4. Deen In a sahih Hadith, the Prophet SAW was reported to have said, “Whoever Allah provides with a righteous wife, Allah has assisted him in half of his religion. Let him fear Allah regarding the second half.” Marriage helps us as Muslims create a beautiful platform on which to receive Allah's blessings daily as we strive to serve our family. It is a ticket to Jannah earned by continually serving our loved ones and keeping our homes in harmony. 5. Procreation Allah SWT says in Qur'an 4:1, "O' mankind! Have consciousness of your Lord who has created you from a single soul. From it He created your spouse and through them He populated the land with many men and women. Have spiritual awareness of the One by whose name you swear to settle your differences and have respect for the wombs that bore you. Without doubt, Allah (SWT) keeps watch over you all." Marriage ensures procreation. Not just recklessly done, but attained within the sanctity of marriage to enable a safe and loving environment for the child and parents. This ensures stability and eases the journey through life as a child and eventually an adult. 6. Support In Qur'an 2:187, Allah SWT says, "They (your wives) are a clothing (covering) for you and you too are a clothing (covering) for them." Just like clothes cover our nakedness and hide our flaws, spouses are expected to honor each other and help each other show up as their best selves. Just like they beautify us, marriage in Islam is with the expectation that spouses improve each other's lives, and makes their lives more appealing than it was before their union. Conclusion Marriage means different things to different people. It also entails different cultural practices that vary from place to place. What it means to Muslims is however rooted in what our religion designed it to be. It will not make this Dunya (world) Jannah (paradise) for believers; but it sure will make you believe that there is one. When done the right way – the Islamic way; with sincere hearts and with Islam as the foundation of the union; Allah will make marriage everything that He has promised it will be for us. May Allah grant us beautiful unions and loving spouses. May He make them the coolness of our eyes. May He make them all the comfort that we need. May He make our homes the safe place that we seek. May He SWT make our marriages our tickets to Jannah. Ameen. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan.  Meeting a woman’s guardian (wali in Arabic) is one of the most crucial steps taken when an interest is shown in a Muslim woman. Her guardian is responsible for her upkeep and overall wellbeing. He could be her father, uncle or brother. He might not even be related to her through blood ties, but as long as he is the one in the position of responsibility towards her, he is considered her guardian (wali).
This meeting avails the man the opportunity to directly state his intentions towards the lady to her guardian. It also gives him the opportunity to have a proper conversation with her. They get to interact with each other and really find out if there is any attraction whatsoever. There are of course rules and guidelines to this in Islam, but that discussion will be reserved for another article insha Allah. Approaching a woman’s guardian can be quite intimidating, especially if it is the first time you are doing this. Even if it isn’t, apprehension can still set in, and that is quite alright too. It could also be due to insecurities or inadequacies that you harbor on your part. The truth of the matter is that no one is perfect, and chances are that your intended spouse isn’t as well, and her guardian knows it too. Regardless of what might cause anxiety to set in, one thing that you should always bear in mind is that it is never quite as bad as you might imagine. These tips are however here because one can never be over prepared for the things that mean the most to us. Marriage is easily one of these things. The 5 important tips are: Set an appointment This sounds like an obvious one, but it is not to be overlooked. Setting an appointment could be as simple as requesting for a suitable date, place and time to meet her guardian. You could speak to them over the phone yourself or ask the person who made the recommendation to enquire from the guardian about the specifics of the meeting time, date and place. Being particular about the time would also make it easier for you as you would now have a day to plan towards. You can focus on clearing everything you have on your plate, and then focus on the day as it draws nearer. This would give you adequate time to put yourself together. That said, every adult has a busy schedule to work around, so it would be shortsighted to expect that the guardian would always be available for a meeting. Even if they were always around, it would not only be rude to accost her guardian for a meeting without prior appraisal; it would also be inconsiderate considering that he and his family would not be prepared to properly receive you. To save yourself and the woman’s family the trouble, it would be better if you gave them a heads up and got them to set a suitable appointment for the meeting. Gifts A lot of people assume that gifts should only be given when there is certainty that the marriage will hold. This does not necessarily have to be so. Gifts are a beautiful way to show love and the Prophet (saw) highly recommends the act of exchanging gifts among loved ones. A gift is a token of love and appreciation. It also shows your goodwill and benevolence towards others. Thoughtful gifts melt the hardest of hearts, so try and ask around in order to get a thoughtful gift to give to them. You could also ask older members of your family as they would be in a better position to know what gift would be appropriate to take along for a meeting or an official introduction. Note that it should not be extravagant, so that your hosts do not feel uncomfortable; but it should be adequate enough to pass the message across that you come in good faith towards the family. On a lighter note, you might find yourself being loved by the children of the home even before the adults do when they all receive the sweets you have brought along. In terms of making it less of an awkward visit for you, you would find it easier to enjoy their good graces knowing that you also brought gifts for them. You are there to seek their most beautiful gift of all, their daughter. Your gift would not in any way be able to compare with that, but comparison is not the aim here, spreading love and goodness is. So get that gift, even if it is just a basket of fruits and sweets. Prepare. Most meetings with guardians are basically interviews. They can be formal or informal, depending on the style of the guardian. Therefore, just like you would adequately prepare yourself for an interview regardless of the company that you are applying to, you should prepare yourself for all possibilities as regards meeting with her guardian. Imagine yourself being her father and consider the traits he would want in his daughter’s husband. Your major goal is to focus on why you would be good for his daughter. A lot of the questions and conversations would revolve around that. You already know that you are prepared to marry her, all you have to do is show her guardian that you are. Note that this goes beyond the actual interview itself. You are being appraised from the moment eyes are set on you. So how have you chosen to present yourself? If your words do not match your outward appearance or mannerisms, then that makes it all futile. If you appear late for the meeting without just cause, you erase all assurances that you are reliable and dependable. Ensure that if the meeting was supposedly a non-verbal one, you would be deemed worthy of their daughter. This is because sometimes, even without speaking, most elders with good insight already have their response to your request. So set out your best clothes, prepare yourself for possible questions, and present yourself in the best way possible. Be courteous and respectful. Being courteous and respectful cannot be over emphasized. As Muslims, we embody the best of characters. We are well mannered people, and this is one beautiful addition to your traits that would definitely make you stand out, even if she had a troupe of suitors lined up for her. It is also something that is not dependent on wealth or other factors that may not be in your favor. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was the most well behaved man even when he had no wealth to his name. This is one of the key reasons why Khadijah (RA) chose him as her husband when she had rejected many others. Asides this, you are going to make a request. Even if you were demanding the least of objects, you would do it with utmost care. Contempt is a distasteful trait to embody, and it cannot be hidden, even if you tried. Regardless of how wealthy or learned you are, there is never any admissible reason to approach anyone with contempt or derision. This is especially true when you are the one seeking something from them. In your interactions with her guardian, and with the woman, it is important to be of absolutely admirable standing. Carry yourself with dignity and you shall be treated with honor. Be respectful towards others and Allah will save you from the derision of others. If not for the sake of any of His creations, be dignified for Allah’s sake. Do it for His pleasure. Pray. Allah loves it when we call on Him. Even the most seemingly simplest of tasks should be done in Allah’s name, and the most delicate of steps should be taken with His guidance. With Allah by your side, no adversary is too scary to accost. With Allah on your side, all of your affairs are sorted. Should you put Allah first, every endeavor becomes easy, by His grace and might. Every single step of your journey into marriage must be with Allah’s guidance. Also ensure to constantly renew your intentions, such that every act you take in pursuing a marriage proposal is considered an act of worship, and every obstacle encountered on the journey is seen as a chance to exercise patience. And you will be rewarded for it all bi idhnilah (with God's permission). Conclusion There are so many ways to approach people, but the best of it all is approaching with the best and most sincere of intentions. As long as this is in place, everything else naturally falls into place. When we seek Allah’s grace and beg Him for His favors, we approach with humility, with a sincere heart, and an appreciative tongue. This is our way as Muslims, for we are not of those who transgress on earth. May Allah forgive all shortcomings and accept all of our prayers. May He guide us in our endeavors. May He SWT help us find favor with His creations; and may He protect us from the evils of all that He has created, Ameen. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan.  Bismillah.
After Abu Salama's death, the Prophet SAW asked for Umm Salama's hand in marriage. This was after her husband had prayed to Allah that should she remarry, Allah should grant her a husband who would be a better man than he ever was to her. So when the Prophet SAW proposed marriage, being the best man of humankind, she should have married him without hesitation. Any of us would have said yes in a heartbeat. Yet, she tarried. She sent a message back to the Prophet SAW stating that she is an old woman with a jealous nature; that she has children and has no elder to be a witness for her. The Prophet SAW then replied her saying that he was also old, and that there was no shame in marrying an older man as a old woman; that her orphan children would now have Allah and His messenger catering to their needs; that He would pray to Allah to rid her of her jealousy; and that none of her elders, present or otherwise, would say no to their union. And so they got married. Umm Salama's response to the Prophet (SAW) was not in dismissal of his proposal. It was in being honest with herself, and in acknowledging key areas that troubled her when it came to re-marrying. It was not only important for her to be honest about her disposition, but for the Prophet SAW as well. Her fears got allayed because of that conversation, and the Prophet SAW got a clearer picture of the woman he was to marry, if he did not know of those things before. Today's article revolves around important questions a Muslim should ask before agreeing to marry. This article is relevant to both the male and female Muslim. These are key questions that will steer you both quickly towards the direction in which your individual minds work. You can then decide whether or not you are both suitable for each other; if your paths align; and if marriage between you two is conceivable in the long run. A lot of us marry because we are physically attracted to our partners. We also get swayed because someone or the people that we love deem them suitable for us. Sometimes, it is because of the good things that we have heard of them that makes us seek their hands. These things will undeniably spark our interest and influence our decisions, but it should not be all that we look to in affirming that they are good for us. Speaking around relevant matters that are dear to you will however give a better picture and insha Allah, help you make a more informed decision. Rather than relying on assumptions based on what you perceive of them, it allows you the chance to be to a great extent, sure of who they are. This is not a strict questionnaire, but is however a structured piece that allows you to ask questions that are peculiar to you and this person as well, it is more of a guide. May Allah SWT guide us all accordingly, for He is the best of guides, Ameen. The questions are grouped into 4 categories. Expectations Depending on our upbringing and outlook on life, our expectations vary from individual to individual. By the time we are ready for marriage, we always have an idea of what to expect. It is highly important that you have a look at what they expect of you and your marriage, so that you are not rudely shocked when you do marry. Some of the expectations to discuss include: 1. Spirituality: What would you expect of them spiritually? What would they expect of you spiritually?
Aspirations and Dreams This is where you would typically have the "where do you see yourself in so and so years?" questions. This just allows a broader insight into this person's future. Do not forget to answer these questions as well so that your partner gets as much an insight into your life. At the end of it all, be prepared to ask and answer this key question: What role would you expect me to play in helping you achieve these things? 1. Spirituality
3. Fear and Worries Just like Umm Salama, everyone has their fears. It is important to be aware of your partner's fear and worries. It makes you more sensitive and puts you in the position to determine whether or not certain traits you have would be a trigger or make you a better fit for this person. Likewise, it gives you an opportunity to air your own fears and worries and listen to their response. It is easier to speak about lofty dreams and wishes than it is to speak about uncomfortable truths and realities. They must however still be aired out loud. When discussing these things with someone that intends to marry you however, you have to be careful not to make it obvious that these are worry areas for you. This is because there are people who are skilled at giving you the answers that they sense that you want to hear. Try not to play into their hands. As long as they are determined to marry, there is the possibility that they will trivialize your worry areas or outrightly lie to prevent you from saying no to them. These are tactful ways to go about some of the worries you might have. Not only will they get you direct answers, they will also give you an insight into deep rooted problems that would otherwise remain hidden had the conversation not occurred. Do note that indicating your deal breakers verbally or written does not automatically erase the possibility of it happening during the marriage. It however always helps when you both know that this concern was raised beforehand. Abuse:
Conflict:
4. Deal Breakers Just like Umm Atika bint Zaid did when she was about to get married to her Zubayr, have your deal breakers. As with all contracts, marriage comes with its own terms and conditions as well. No matter how trivial it seems to others, as long as you understand how important it is to you, and how devastating it could be should it ever happen, make it clearly stated. You should also understand that marriage places a lot of authority in the husband's hands over the wife, and that Allah SWT remains the ultimate judge in a man's dealings with his wife. For both parties, it will be harder to take certain stances after the marriage than before it.
Conclusion In a lot of cultures, marriage is considered a market so dark, you can hardly see what you are buying. Even when you touch the product to determine its shape, until you make the transaction and step out of the market with your purchase; you can never really ascertain that you have made an excellent buy. As Muslims though, Allah SWT remains the all-seeing, the all-hearing, all-knowing, who knows all the secrets hidden within the breasts of mankind. All intentions, good or bad, are known to Him. More than any questions you pose to this person you intend to marry, make as many requests and prayers as you can to Allah SWT. Ask that He SWT guides you through this journey, that He protects you from the harms of this union, and that He grants you all the good within it. For He is the most merciful, the most kind. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan.  Islam regards marriage as a beautiful way to unite two souls as one in a honorable and dignified manner that earns both parties Allah's pleasure. This is the purest form in which both can ultimately fulfill their roles and enjoy the full essence of all that life has to offer. (Kitab Al-Nikah. Sahih Muslim, Book 8).
Marriage is also a Sunnah of our Prophet Muhammad (SAW). It is considered the bedrock of the Islamic society, and when two morally and spiritually aware individuals get married, they help each other attain admirable heights in all aspects of their lives; spiritually and otherwise. It is therefore not absurd or unusual that a lot of Muslims aspire to get married and have families of their own. In recent times however, it has been quite hard for Muslims to find the right spouses. Unmarried, divorced or widowed; young or relatively older; the ease at which people used to find spouses of their choosing has been on a constant decline, and at an alarming rate. There are varying factors that can be attributed to this. This article however focuses on halal (permissible) ways to find spouses despite all the hardships that seem to hinder Muslims from finding one. 1. Ask Allah The Muslim's prerogative would be to rely on Allah SWT completely for all of their needs and wants, but some may consider this impractical. This is especially true in the world we live in today where everyone wants quick results, seeking means to solve all of our problems by ourselves. Even when we do say we rely on Allah, our actions and reactions to getting undesirable results after working hard towards our goals belie our words. This first step is however essential regardless of whatever method we employ in seeking our spouse. With Allah SWT lies the book of our lives, in His hands lies all Rizq. With Him lies more love than the world can ever conceive. He is the only one capable of granting you all that you seek in a spouse and in a marriage. So ask Him to grant you one, trusting that He will grant you even better than you could have ever imagined. Allah knows that which troubles our hearts. He knows what our soul yearns for, even when our minds cannot properly comprehend it. Yet, He still wants us to ask. So raise your hands and ask, trusting that Allah is sufficient for you. "O Prophet! Allah is sufficient for you and for the believers who follow you." (Surah Al-Anfal (8), Ayah 64.) Du'a is one of the most beneficial remedies. It is the enemy of calamity; it repels it, cures it, prevents its occurrence and alleviates it or reduces it if it befalls [one]. It is the weapon of the believer. –Ibn Qayyim. 2. Propose Khadija (RA) met Rasoolullah (SAW) while he worked for her. She was attracted to his honesty, impeccable work ethics, and high moral standing. These were values that she held dear and deemed relevant in a spouse and so she sought his hands in marriage. She was a woman, widowed and older than the Prophet SAW – all of the reasons why a lot of Muslims today would hesitate to take similar steps. There is however nothing wrong in this, as evidenced in the beautiful marital life they both led after their marriage. This particular example seeks to highlight the fact that this point not only speaks to the males but also the female Muslims. So instead of taking a laid back approach to seeking a spouse, the sisters can also seek good Muslim spouses. It could be a man whose character and deen you have admired over time within your mosque, work environment or even social circle. It is however important to note that regardless of the intention, Islam remains a dignified and pure religion, with no intent to compromise the dignity of its followers in any way. Muslims must constantly hold themselves in high regard. The same applies to seeking a spouse, one must ensure not to compromise themselves in this process. Just like our mother Khadija (RA) engaged the counsel of her trusted servant in speaking to the Prophet SAW about her intentions; Muslims should seek means to express their intentions without risking losing their dignity. This can apply in varying ways, but as long as both parties seek to observe the precautions Islam has laid out, Allah will constantly provide support and guide them accordingly in their pursuit. 3. Halal Matchmaking This is splendid for people who have found it hard to get a spouse but are unwilling to go the traditional route of engaging their parents or other people directly in their search. In some cases, this is due to living in societies where there isn't family members around to help with the search or there aren't just many options in close vicinity. There are so many provisions made today for Muslims who intend to get married. They come in form of websites (ilmnikah.com), conferences, speed dates, etc. organized by Islamic community centers or concerned Muslim individuals. Most of these places are run by conscientious Muslims who know about the doctrines of Islam when it comes to matchmaking and strive to ensure that these places are Halal. They prioritize the Deen when vetting their clients, and help you narrow down your search by highlighting key value systems that may or may not appeal to you. Another benefit is that these platforms either remove the need to physically interact; or enable you to do so in the midst of other Muslims, while you are all chaperoned in an open space. A beautiful way to make it further halal is to involve your families as soon as you both indicate an interest in taking it beyond these platforms. Here, you are now aware and have indicated interest in a possible match. This way, your mahrams (an adult family member who is haram to marry) can be present during further communication. In cases where two parties move on to having phone conversations due to inability to physically meet, you can have conference calls with loved ones of either parties present. Not only will this reduce the chances of committing Zina greatly, it will enable your mahram to make a further assessment of this person. They will also get to know each other and create rapport. All of this will be done while at the same time, protecting your modesty. 4. Involve your Wali In Islam, the Wali is the woman's protector or guardian. The person who is in charge of her affairs before marriage. The Wali does not have to be the father or even have blood ties to the woman. As long as he is a trusted Muslim who considers himself someone who plays a fatherly role in her life, she can entrust him with the duty of finding her a suitable spouse. For a Muslim man, this can be anyone whose judgement he trusts. It could be an immediate family member or an upright Muslim in his community. At the end of the day, the decision to marry lies with both the male and the female that intend to marry. There is nothing shameful about seeking help. That is in fact why the Muslim community is built on immense spirituality and high moral values. Amaanah (trust) is not to be taken lightly and when there is the fear of Allah, all affairs are conducted with grace and conscientiousness. Hence, as long as these people accept this role, they would most likely look to the best of sources and help you seek pious spouses by Allah's grace. It is however important to note that honesty on both sides is highly important. When entrusting this in someone's hands, be clear on your wants, needs, and ultimate deal breakers. This way, the process can be easier for the person seeking a spouse for you. It also prevents discomfort on all sides later on. The process is even smoother when your Wali is someone who knows your personality. They should be people you look up to spiritually and morally. People that want the best for you will always go the extra mile to ensure that you do not end up with the wrong spouse. This is why it is highly important that it is someone with a high sense of responsibility towards Allah and you. Someone who desires good for you. May Allah SWT ease our paths. Ameen. Conclusion Allah SWT remains the ultimate Rabb (Lord) that grants us all of our wishes. He is the knower of all, the one who is aware of all secrets hidden, and all truths twisted. He is the custodian of time and giver of patience. With Him, all paths are guided and all roads are lit. Regardless of what path we choose to take in finding our spouses; may He SWT guide us all towards pious spouses, keep us firm in the deen and help keep our homes within the folds of Islam. Ameen. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan.  A lot of people of marriageable age sometimes find that even though they are ready for marriage, they have no partner to marry. This can be very daunting especially with outside pressure from family, friends and the society in general.
This article aims to show how to navigate this period with beautiful patience until Allah SWT grants you a spouse by His grace and favor. It centers around some of the beautiful names of Allah SWT and also includes some Du'as. Know that He knows: Allah is Al–Alim (the knower of all). He is also As–Sami (the hearer of all), Al-Basir (the seer of all) and Al-Khabir (the all-aware). He knows all that ails you and is aware of how much anguish you are in over the lack of a spouse. He hears your call and sees your plight. He knows that your heart aches and yearns for a partner. And He has not forsaken you. So on the days and nights that you feel the most alone, remember that even if the world is blind to your yearnings; Allah is your creator and the One in whose Hands your affairs lie. There is never a moment that He is unaware of your troubles. So know that He knows what you are going through and do not despair. Know that He can: Allah is Al-Fattah (the opener), there is no door that He cannot open, including the door to marriage. He is Al-Jami (the gatherer), the One who will raise the dead and the living, bringing them together on the last day, effortlessly. He is the only one who can bring you and the one made for you together. He is Al-Muiz (the bestower of honor), and Allah bestows upon whomever He wills. If you believe that marriage to your beloved will bestow upon you honor, then know that no one is more pleased with marriage than Allah SWT. Also, if Sabr (patience) is hard during this time, remember that only Allah can grant you the most beautiful form of patience. Know that He will: Allah SWT is Al-Mujib (the responder to prayer). He has promised Muslims over and over again in the Quran of His unwavering support. Your Lord is shy of His creations and hence will never turn you away with unanswered prayers. It is in His might to respond, and He will in His mercy. He is also Al-Wajid (the finder). Whatever you seek in a spouse, Allah already knows and He has the power to find it for you. It is in tying our camels that we must seek halal means of connecting with our spouses, one of which is a matchmaking service provided by our website. It is however in knowing that He will find them for us that we do not lose patience with Him and continue to strive. A Surah to hold on to: Allah granted us the Quran as a companion on our journey through life. A lot of scholars have also described the Quran as a manual to living in this Dunya and attaining the Akhira, granted by our Creator. When waiting gets overwhelming, we need all the footholds we can reach to keep us afloat. The Quran is a major source of comfort and reassurance in those moments. While there are many others that you should definitely reflect on for some relief, Surah Ad-Duha is the Surah that has been handpicked for you during this arduous phase. It is a Surah that reminds us when we forget Allah's presence, or when we simply cannot feel it in our lives. It is a Surah that reminds us when we are at our lowest, that help is near. It is a Surah that gives hope of victory, where all seems to be lost. It is a Surah to hold on to. Surah Ad-Duha: By the morning sunlight, and the night when it falls still! Your Lord ˹O Prophet˺ has not abandoned you, nor has He become hateful ˹of you˺. And the next life is certainly far better for you than this one. And ˹surely˺ your Lord will give so much to you that you will be pleased. Did He not find you as an orphan then sheltered you? Did He not find you unguided then guided you? And did He not find you needy then satisfied your needs? So do not oppress the orphan, nor repulse the beggar. And proclaim the blessings of your Lord. Beautiful Du'as from Allah's Names: Every part of a Muslim's life, whether good or bad, is deemed better for him in Islam. Therefore when good happens, we are thankful, and when bad happens, we are repentful. Such is the beautiful path the Muslim takes. Waiting for a spouse can be daunting. Depending on how much you want it, or how long you have waited for this, our yearnings vary. Loneliness and the desire for companionship is however one of the most heart touching experiences a Muslim will have to wait through. Dhikr and Dua is the Muslim's weapon to fighting all trials. It is also all that we need to conquer all of our troubles. We just have to humble ourselves in Allah's sight, and place all of our wants and needs at His hands. Here are some beautiful Du'as coined from the beautiful names of Allah SWT to get you started.
Ameen. Conclusion Allah promised us in the Quran that all believers will be tested. While some are tested with loss, some of us are tested with other things, including having to wait for things that we deeply desire. This is not a punishment from Allah. It is also not because He no longer cares about you. It is a test that the most pious of Muslims have gone through. It is a test that clearly defines and affirms our absolute trust in Allah. It is a test that we can and will pass by His mercy, bi idhnillah. May this waiting period only come with good for you. Just like dawn after nightfall, may it come to an end with the most beautiful soul by your side. When you finally get to meet, may they be worth the wait. Ameen. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan.  In this article, we look at certain beautiful qualities that every Muslim woman should look to attaining to make an astounding wife.
Some of these qualities are already familiar, but are presented to you through the life of Umm Atika bint Zaid (R.A). Umm Atika was one of the female companions of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and was fondly nicknamed Zawja Ash-Shuhada – the wife of the martyrs. This was so because all of her husbands attained martyrdom. She was married to Abdullah bin Abi Bakr, the son of Abu Bakr Siddiq; then Umar ibn Khatab, the second caliph; and Zubayr ibn Al-Awam, one of the ten companions that was promised paradise. A lot can be coined from the beautiful life of our mother, Umm Atika, but her marital life will be our focus for the purpose of this article. The qualities highlighted below are some of her most redeeming qualities as a Muslim wife, and have been chosen as our top 5 traits every Muslim wife should have. These qualities include: Conscientiousness: Of all that was known of Umm Atika, her love for Allah and her religion was most renowned. She let her conscience guide her in all of her actions and strove towards deeds that would earn her more rewards from Allah SWT. Years after Abdullah bin Abi Bakr's death, she kept her promise to him to not marry anyone else. This was until she learnt that it was wrong of her to have made that promise. She had varying counsel and learnt that it was forbidden to make what Allah had made Halal, Haram. She then proceeded to marry Umar ibn Khattab. She gave up the garden that Abdullah bin Abi Bakr had bequeathed her in honor of the promise she made to him as she had broken the promise. When Umar bin Khattab gave her monetary rewards in return, she shared that money among the poor to retribute for breaking the promise. Even though the act itself was done in accordance with the counsel she had received as regards her promise being wrong, she understood that breaking a commitment was equally disliked by Allah. She gave all of the wealth that both her previous and then husband gifted her to rectify these errors and gain Allah's pleasure. Another startling fact known to Umm Atika was her insistence on visiting the mosque despite her husbands' dislike of it. It was halal, and was made permissible by the Prophet, so none of them could command her to stop. She was especially enthusiastic about always going because the Prophet (SAW) had narrated to them the immense rewards of going to the mosque to pray compared to staying at home. So she always went to fully benefit from that reward. Umm Atika is not renowned for her wealth today, but rather for her piety and acts of service to Allah. Also, she could have caved in to her husbands' desires for her to stay home, but because her goal was to worship Allah within the bounds that He had set, it never made her any less loved by her husbands or the Ummah. She had brave, strong, conscious Muslim men as husbands, and they all loved her dearly. They however all died one after the other as Matyrs. When everyone leaves, only Allah remains, and this is demonstrated in Umm Atika's life. When Allah (SWT) is the center of your universe, your whole world falls into place. So repair your affairs with Allah, and watch Him repair your relations with everyone else. Such is the grace of our Rabb SWT. Self Awareness: Umm Atika was one of the most self aware women of her time. Her history depicts a deep sense of understanding of her religion and of herself, and shows a strong will to stay true to all that defined her as a person. Whether it was in always striving to pray at the mosque, or refusing marriage proposals after Abdullah's death, or always saying the truth even when she knew it was disliked, Umm Atika was definitely not a woman to be swayed. When she was to marry Zubayr ibn Al-Awam, she made it a point to draft a contract stating that her rights would not be denied and that she would be allowed to go to the mosque for prayers. Those were the conditions under which she agreed to marry him. She was well aware of the rights that her religion afforded her as a woman and was going to go to such lengths to protect it. She did not expect her husband to know or automatically assume that he would honor them. She ensured that he did by clearly stipulating it before agreeing to be his wife. Despite being in multiple marriages in her lifetime, Atika did not once lose her sense of self. This was regardless of who she was married to. This is contrary to the misconception that a lot of Muslim women have about marriage in Islam. It also dispels one of the fears that many a Muslim woman have today. Marriage should not in any way change the core of who you are, unless this serves to improve you in areas where you are deficient. In a world of constant disparity, the Muslim woman should learn to be her own constant, with Islam as her guide. She should take time to herself, know and accept herself; define her boundaries and own her beliefs. She should then ensure to carry everyone that comes into her life on board with who she is. That way, they can come to know her, and learn to respect her for who she is. This is especially important in marriage where a woman gets a completely new family. Honor: Umm Atika was a woman of honor and she honored each of her husbands. Despite being known as a woman of her own, she was well known for keeping within the bounds of her marriages. Whether it was in protecting her social or religious rights, she ensured that she protected the integrity of her marriages by awarding her husbands respect. She was firm in her ways, but she was not obtuse or dismissive of her husbands. She always sought permission before going to the mosque, and she went as far as making Zubayr sign a contract to ensure that he did not stop her from going. She was well aware of his character and his jealousy, and so took that as a measure to prevent it from hindering her from serving Allah in the way that she pleased. This was a very necessary step to take as without it, a lot of conflict would have ensued as we see in marriages today where spouses are not very clear about their expectations, and they expect one another to be mind readers. Not only does it prevent conflicts, it makes it possible for you to fight your battles in a way that other people are able to stand by you and fight for your cause. It also helps women to stay true to themselves without jeopardizing their homes in the process. None of her husbands loved Umm Atika like Abdullah bin Abi Bakr, but even he constantly sang praises of her that went beyond his appreciation of her beauty or his natural inclination towards her. All of her husbands attested to her piety, trustworthiness, and candor. She married multiple times before her death, and all of these men, despite their different temperaments and dispositions, acknowledged her as a honorable wife. Every person is flawed, and so is every marriage as a consequence. However, marriage becomes more stable when each person is respected and given their due. Every woman should endeavor to learn the obligations of a wife to her husband in Islam and put into practice all the various ways to honor their husbands in Islam. May Allah SWT grant us ease in our affairs. Truthfulness: Umm Atika was a very honest wife who never shied away from telling her husbands the truth. Whether it displeased them or not, she was honest with them. When she got married to Umar (RA), she told him about the garden her previous husband had bequeathed to her. She also told him when the chief of a prestigious clan gave her a beautiful rug even though it infuriated Umar (RA) and he took it right back to the chief. She always told her husbands about her whereabouts even when she knew they would not be pleased. Once, Zubayr cunningly tried to persuade her against going to the mosque by laying in wait for her when she was going for Isha' prayers. He hid in the dark and smacked her from behind. She went home aghast and when he came back from the mosque and asked why she had not gone to the mosque, she replied that people have become evil. She didn't come up with a lie to save her face as she had been warned severally by her husband not to go. She stopped going to the mosque afterwards, and after some time had passed, Zubayr told her of his actions. That only resolved her decision to pray at home from then. There is a lot to be learnt in Umm Atika's truthfulness. It is not always comfortable to say the truth to our spouses, especially when we are certain that they will be upset with our words or actions. However, saying the truth will not only earn you the trust of your husband, it will earn you Allah's pleasure and His infinite mercy. Being truthful also protects your marriage as well as your spouse's interests. Umar (RA) was able to see through the seeming generosity of the chief as an act of bribery. He knew the consequences that could ensue if he accepted such gifts whether directly or indirectly as in the case of Umm Atika receiving the gift. When Umm Atika told him, he was able to quickly rectify the situation and call the chief to order. He also reprimanded Umm Atika for accepting the gift. That way, she knew the implications of her actions and knew never to receive such gifts again that could potentially harm her husband's reputation and dignity. Being truthful also helps your spouse to help you. Umm Atika saw Zubayr's dislike of her attending the mosque as a mere act of jealousy, and this was in fact true. However, he was right in emphasizing the harm that could come of a woman walking in the dark. Since she was honest about her reasons, her husband was able to understand her insistence. He also knew that her actions were not prohibited by Islam. This was why he had to use the means which he used to portray to her his fears, and make her see things from his point of view. When Zubayr was also honest with his wife, she made a resolution to stop the action which she loved to do so much for Allah's sake when she realized how affected her husband must be, if he had to go to such lengths to make her see reason. These acts of truthfulness are also acts of worship, and they only serve to endear spouses to each other. Regardless of your excuses, as a Muslim woman, it is imperative that you learn to put your trust in Allah and be completely honest with your spouse. This will also encourage him to do the same. Loyalty: Umm Atika was a loyal wife who loved her husbands and strove to honor them. She would continually sing their praises and bring light to their redeeming qualities. This she did with her beautiful poetry. When Abdullah died, she wrote beautiful poems to praise him and kept her promise not to marry another, until she was counselled against it. Even after she agreed to marry, she agreed to return the garden she had gotten in exchange for the promise to Abdullah's family. She also gave away the wealth Umar gave her in exchange, to repent for breaking the promise in charity. This was a couple of years after Abdullah's death. He was not there to see her, but she did it anyway. After Umar (RA)'s death, she also wrote poems describing his gallant nature, reminding people of what a great leader he was. She honored each of her husbands for the time they spent in her lives and loved them all accordingly. It is easier to constantly pick on our spouses' faults than continually praise them for their good attributes. Such is the nature of humans. As Muslim women however, it is imperative to understand that it is beautiful to praise our spouses and encourage them when they do good deeds. Allah (SWT) has granted us to be garments for each other. A garment may not be as luxurious as we want, but it gives us all that we need in terms of covering ourselves (awrah), protecting our dignity, giving us warmth, and adding to our beauty. The Muslim woman must strive to be that to her husband. Islam is a religion that allows us access to each other only when we are lawfully tied in marriage. This limits the access we have to praises and attention outside our marriage. Nobody can praise your husband the way you can as a wife. Nobody can know him as well as you do. Nobody has as many rights as you have over him. Lastly, nobody has as many obligations as he has towards you. Even on the days when there is nothing good to say to him, look to this and be loyal and kind to him. He is Allah's gift and mercy to you, and so are you to him. May we all be beautiful spouses who carry loyalty in our hearts and honor in our beings. May Allah ease our affairs and grant us the ability to find mercy, comfort, love, and stability in our marriages. Conclusion: There is a lot of questions Muslim women have about marriage and companionship. There is also a lot of fear associated with marriage in Islam, especially due to the high divorce rates and the stereotypes that a lot of people have come to associate with women in Islam. What a lot of Muslim women do not realize is that Islam has an answer for every question you might have. Also, our Deen has enough role models to guide us through whatever confusion might trouble our minds. Islam itself is civilization, and no institution, religion, or culture caters to women the way that Islam does. We just have to trust that the answers are here and proceed to seek the knowledge. May Allah make it easy for us to stay on the right path. May we continue to find wisdom in the lives of the best of mankind and his companions and the subsequent generations after them. Ameen. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan. References: Seerat e Sahabiyat Kay Daraksahan Pehlu Lectures of Dr. Farhat Hashmi "Seerat e Sahabiyyat" Ibn Hajar Al Asqalani Al-Isaba fi tamyiz al-Sahaba vol.8 #11448  Photo by Ahmet Polat from Pexels People marry for different reasons. These reasons could stem from varying perspectives, which include among others, cultural, social, and familial. These are all valid lenses through which to choose a suitable spouse for yourself, but there are certain qualities that should definitely be made a priority. This is especially true when you are selecting a husband as a Muslim woman. While all the remaining things put into consideration are important, it is vital that your spouse is someone that can help nourish your life as Allah SWT intended. ...And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.” (30:21) This verse is a clear indication of the impactful role Allah SWT has intended for our spouses to play in ensuring that we live healthy lives. It is therefore important to ensure that the qualities mentioned below are present in a man. Insha Allah, an article will be released in subsequent blog posts on how to check for these qualities in your suitors, more importantly, the qualities that are intangible. In the meantime, the most important qualities to look for in a husband include: 1. He must be a Muslim. And do not marry polytheistic women until they believe. And a believing slave woman is better than a polytheist, even though she might please you. And do not marry polytheistic men [to your women] until they believe. And a believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though he might please you. Those invite [you] to the Fire, but Allah invites to Paradise and to forgiveness, by His permission. And He makes clear His verses to the people that perhaps they may remember [Al-Baqarah 2:221]. O you who have believed, when the believing women come to you as emigrants, examine [i.e., test] them. Allah is most knowing as to their faith. And if you know them to be believers, then do not return them to the disbelievers; they are not lawful [wives] for them, nor are they lawful [husbands] for them [Al-Mumtahanah 60:10]. Islam forbids a believing woman from marrying a non-Muslim man. We have to mention here that if he (non-Muslim man) chooses to become Muslim willingly and voluntarily, then there is nothing wrong with her marrying him as long as the they follow proper Islamic guidance. 2. He must be of sound character. The Prophet (PBUH) said: “If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1084). "A woman should make sure to marry a religious man with good character and not go for beauty, richness or lineage" {Shaykh Albani} The Prophet SAW emphasized the need to marry a man who is a Muslim and who has good character. It is important to marry a man who understands and practices the religion and is able to let that positively impact his mannerisms and behavior. This is the kind of man every Muslim woman that desires a holistic home should go for. A man who sincerely fears Allah will fear hurting you. A man who sincerely loves Allah will love you for the sake of Allah and fulfill all of your rights upon Him. 3. He must share core values with you. “Good statements are for good people (or good women for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men for good women)” [al-Noor 24:26] It is very possible for a man to be a Muslim yet have intrinsic values and priorities that differ from yours. Even within the realm of spirituality as a Muslim, our perspectives vary, and this can largely influence the priorities we place on different aspect of our lives. It also influences our decision making. Outside religion and spirituality, there are certain core intrinsic values that we have honed over time. All of these things define our character and outlook on life. It is imperative that we seek a spouse that sees eye to eye with us on these things, to prevent conflicts from ensuing after marriage. This is especially important for women, as it is quite easy to find yourself compromising your core values or find yourself in distasteful situations because your spouse has different ideals. This builds resentment over time and resentment can spiral into other bitter emotions and actions that can eventually lead to the dissolution of the marriage. Even those that stay, find that they are unhappy and dissatisfied with the kind of lives they live. May Allah SWT protect us from regrets. Ameen. 4. He must be able to financially cater to a family's needs. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Faatimah bint Qays (may Allah be pleased with her), when she came to consult him about three men who had proposed marriage to her, “As for Mu’aawiyah, he is a poor man who has no wealth…” (Narrated by Muslim, 1480) A Muslim man has a duty towards his family, and that duty includes being able to provide for them. While he doesn't have to be wealthy to be deemed ready for marriage, he has to be able to cater for at the very least, the necessities of himself and his household. This is especially important because Muslim women could actually opt to stay at home and cater to their family as opposed to engaging in a career. The inability of a man to provide for his family puts the family at economic and social risk, as well as places them at the mercy of those around them to get by on a daily basis. This is highly unadvisable especially in the world we live in today that demands that a Muslim home be well equipped to protect its honor and dignity. Financial freedom is one of the ways to ensure that. 5. He should have mercy towards women and children. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Faatimah bint Qays, in the hadeeth quoted above, “As for Abu Jaham, his stick never leaves his shoulder”, referring to the fact that he used to beat women a lot. Socially, physically, and culturally, women and children are considered the weakest in the family setting. It is important to know that this can be very daunting in the hands of men who are well aware of this, and choose to play on their perceived strengths at the expense of their wives and family. A good Muslim man that seeks your hand must be a kind and merciful person who would not only ensure to never bring you harm, but sees it as his duty to use whatever strength and privileges he has to protect you as well as your children. Domestic abuse and gender based violence is real, and Muslim homes are not exempted from this. This is therefore a crucial point to note. There is a lot more that can make or break a marriage outside the points highlighted above, especially as you start to streamline the qualities you require in a man according to your individual specifications. These points are however beautiful starting points that can help you rule out highly unlikely or unacceptable candidates before anything else is considered. May Allah (SWT) grant us the insight to identify pious spouses and protect us from the ills of deceit and facade others might put up to appear more favorable in our sight. May Allah guard and guide us all through our selection process and grant us beautiful spouses to accompany us in this world and the hereafter. May Allah SWT grant us spouses that will be the coolness of our eyes. Ameen. This article was written by Sr. Rahmat Omole for ilmnikah.com. ilmnikah.com is a blog and a matrimonial platform for single Muslims living in the United States, Canada, UK, Turkey, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand or Germany. Visit our homepage and sign up to receive email updates from us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Clubhouse and Telegram. Please don't forget to share so others can benefit as well insha Allah. JazakumAllahu Khairan. |